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Daily News Analysis

Breaking News: Joe Biden is Muslim!

Crescent International

Brother Joe Biden, the future Khalifah of Muslims, making dua before starting his interview with us!

When he used the Islamic expression ‘inshallah’ during the presidential debate on September 29, the Internet went abuzz.

People wondered if Joe Biden has become a Muslim.

This belief was reinforced by another short video clip that Biden put out on the Internet.

In it he pledged to rescind the ban on Muslims entering the United States as soon as he becomes president.

Then he quoted the well-known hadith of the noble Messenger (pbuh) about fighting evil.

Biden said, the Prophet (pbuh) has said, “when you see evil, change it with your hands. If that is not possible, speak out against it. If even that is not possible, consider it evil in your heart.”

Muslims understood what evil he was referring to: Donald Trump.

Now that Trump has tested positive for the coronavirus, people have launched Twitter storms wishing the virus good health.

They are also urging it to stay strong against the evil it has to grapple with.

This story, however, is not about Trump; it is about Biden.

Since his ‘insha’Allah’ comment, the Crescent International has been inundated with calls and messages from all over the world.

Muslims want to know if Biden has actually become a Muslim.

We decided to investigate and send our special correspondent to interview Biden.

To our great surprise, his campaign staff responded right away and said he would be glad to talk to our reporter.

This is how the interview went.

Crescent International (CI): Mr. Biden, you used the Muslim expression ‘insha’Allah’ during the presidential debate with Donald Trump. Have you accepted Islam?

Joe Biden (JB): Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim (In the name of God, the Mercy-giving, the Merciful). Assalamu Alaikum to you and to your readers. Yes, alhamdulillah, I have taken the Shahadah and am a Muslim. I have been working hard to learn about Islam.

CI: Masha-Allah and alhamdulillah. This is great news. But Mr. Biden, why didn’t you declare this publicly until now?

JB: Please call me Brother Biden, after all, we are brothers now.

CI: Sorry, Brother Biden. Will be careful going forward.

JB: Let me tell you what led to my taking the Shahadah. When I was Vice President, my good friend and mentor, Barkat Husain used to sometime speak to me in a funny language.

CI: Barkat Husain?

JB: Sorry, I should have explained. Most people know him as Barak Husain Obama. His real name is Barkat Husain Obama. As you can figure from his middle name ‘Husain’, he is a Shia Muslim. He has been doing taqiya all these years so that the ignorant and racist American people do not get upset.

CI: But there is nothing preventing him from admitting his religion now, is there?

JB: Well, that’s his choice. Let me tell you how I became a Muslim. You see, Barkat Husain used to organize these iftar parties during Ramadan. I attended several of them and was really impressed by the Muslims’ patience and devotion. What really inspired me was during one iftar dinner at the White House. Barkat Husain came dressed in a pure white thobe. He was also wearing a kufi. He looked absolutely angelic. After the adhan, he led the Maghrib Salat. He recited Surah ar-Rahman. His voice was so melodious. When he reached the ayah, “Which of the favors of your Lord would you then deny?” he broke down in tears. Most of the congregation also sobbed uncontrollably. Hamza Useless, I mean Yusuf, cried the loudest. After Salat, Hamza went to Barkat Husain and said, ‘I want to make bay‘ah to you’.

CI: Really? Hamza Yusuf said that?

JB: Yes, of course.

CI: So, what did Barkat Husain say?

JB: Barkat Husain, being a good Muslim, said to him, “Hamza, you are a real munafiq. You do not change shaykhs like you change your underwear. You have changed several shaykhs already. Besides, I am a Shia Muslim and I know you don’t like Shias because you are in bed with the Emirati Wahhabis that hate the Shias. If you make bay‘ah to me, your Emirati bakhsheesh will dry up.”

CI: Brother Joe, when did you take the Shahadah?

JB: I was leaning toward Islam for a long time but the coronavirus really convinced me that I must become a Muslim. I wanted to be a Shia Muslim but Barkat Husain advised me to become a Sunni Muslim. He said, you could then declare yourself the Khalifah and all Muslim rulers except those in Iran and Turkey will line up to give you bay‘ah.

CI: So, what’s your plan, Brother Biden?

JB: I will take my oath as president on the Qur’an. I have already asked Shaykh Sudais to come and do the recitation at my inauguration.

CI: Has he agreed?

JB: Yes, of course.

CI: What happens next?

JB: In my inauguration speech, I will declare myself the Khalifah of all the Muslims. That night, instead of the White House Ball, we will have Isha Salat followed by a session of dhikr.

CI: Will women be allowed?

JB: Yes, but they must all wear the hijab as well as the niqab and must be accompanied by their mahrums.

CI: Even Kamala Harris?

JB: Yes, I have already discussed this with her and she is in full agreement. Besides, because of the pandemic, everyone has to wear a mask, so it’s no different than a niqab.

CI: What are your future plans?

JB: As soon as I settle in my job, I will go for Umrah. I am still debating whether the Muslim rulers should come to Makkah to make bay‘ah to me or ask them to come to the White House.

CI: Anything else?

JB: O, yes, I am glad you asked. I also have plans to hold a Tablighi Ijtema at the White House. We will set up tents on the White House lawns but everyone must bring their own lota with them. They can set up daigs to cook biryani. O I love biryani. I am already feeling hungry.

CI: Which Tablighi leaders will you invite to the White House Ijtema?

JB: I have spoken to Maulana Tariq Jameel. He has agreed to attend. He is a really good person.

CI: Any final word?

JB: Yes. I will replace the dollar with the gold dinar. The greenback is going down the drain anyway. Shaykh Imran Hosein has agreed to advise me on this. Soon after my inauguration, he will come to see me in the White House.

CI: Shukran Brother Joe for this truly enlightening interview. When you become the president, sorry Khalifah, I hope you will invite us to one of your events at the White House.

JB: Insha’Allah.

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