Waseem Shehzad
To say that America is deeply divided is an understatement. Even a cautious person like former President Barack Obama, commenting on the election results, said: “What it says is that we are still deeply divided. The power of that alternative worldview that’s presented in the media that those voters consume—it carries a lot of weight.” He was speaking to CBS News’ Gayle King—an interview that aired on “CBS Sunday Morning.”
Obama spoke about the “alternative worldview” but here is the divide in figures. Joe Biden received some 78 million votes while Donald Trump got 74 million. There is another interesting coincidence: Biden is 78 years old and Trump is 74. No, we don’t mean millions of years! In his “alternative worldview”, Trump may even insist his real age is 80 and, therefore, he should be the president!
America’s deep divide poses a real dilemma for the rest of the world. Who will now deliver democracy through cruise missiles to troublesome countries that refuse to take heed? The world will surely miss American boots on the ground. Pesky dictators will rejoice.
True, there are a few inconvenient truths along the way: the torture chambers at Abu Ghraib, the black sites CIA director Gina Hansel operated in faraway lands like Thailand or the still-running Guantanamo Bay torture camp. But as Donald “Rummy” Rumsfeld helpfully told us: “Stuff happens”.
So, let’s move on.
Since America has been such a force for good in the world, we at Crescent International decided to offer a helping hand in its moment of crisis. We asked our Strategic Studies desk to reflect on America’s current plight and propose a solution. This is what they came up with.
After a careful examination of America’s electoral map, they were greatly impressed by the way people voted. The entire country is divided into three neat regions. This made their task much easier to find a solution. There will be no messy population transfers as occurred when Pakistan and India came into existence in 1947.
Our Strategic Studies desk proposes a state in the west to be called ‘The State of Nirvana’. In the middle, there is the huge mass of ‘Trumpistan’. And in the east will be ‘The Riba State of Capitalistan’. The only uncertainty is Georgia that will be placed under international protection. More on this later.
In the State of Nirvana, weed will be available for free. Their national anthem will be ‘Hari Krishna, Hari Rama’ and every morning, young and old will march in the streets of major cities—San Francisco and others—dressed in colorful clothes, beating drums and playing jingles, singing in unison, ‘Hari Krisha, Hari Rama’.
After the morning anthem, everyone will line up outside mandirs for a free plate of boiled rice and daal. It will be strictly a vegetarian affair, always. Meat consumption, especially beef, will be banned in the State of Nirvana. After all, the Silicon Valley is dominated by vegetarians and vegans. Those that want beef stakes will have to travel to Texas in Trumpistan.
The huge landmass in the middle will be called Trumpistan. The only thing middle about it is that it is in the middle of the State of Nirvana in the west and the Riba State of Capitalistan in the east. Its population consists of gun-toting white supremacists that have been demanding, ‘Stop the Steal’. Well, they can live happily ever after in the State of Trumpistan, except that it may not be such a happy state with all those gun-toting gangsters.
The Riba State of Capitalistan is a little problematic because some of its territory, especially Wisconsin, Michigan and Illinois, borders hostile territory. International peacekeeping forces will have to be deployed to maintain peace. Violators will be instantly beheaded and their bodies chopped into ground meat and served in McDonald or Wendy burgers.
In this new state, Riba will be enforced starting from 20% upward. All of Trump’s properties will be confiscated including the Trump Towers. They will become state property and would be turned into shelters for homeless people. Despite its riba-obsession, it will be a compassionate state.
Georgia is a difficult case. It will be placed under international protection. Forces from Cuba, Venezuela and Bolivia will be deployed to protect the people both from outsiders as well as to keep internal peace. It will remain under UN supervision until a referendum is held to determine what the people of Georgia want.
With three states emerging in what was formerly the United States of America, there will be less global turmoil. Warmongers will be checked and the world will be able to heave a collective sigh of relief.
Most importantly, like his Saudi palls, Trump will have a country named after him: Trumpistan. After all, he has the Trump Towers, and had Trump Airline as well as Trump University. True, the airline went bust and the university was a total fraud but in business, you win some and lose some.
In Trumpistan, speaking truth will be a crime. Everyone will be asked to tell lies; the bigger the better. Follow the Orangutan!
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