A Monthly Newsmagazine from Institute of Contemporary Islamic Thought (ICIT)
To Gain access to thousands of articles, khutbas, conferences, books (including tafsirs) & to participate in life enhancing events

Daily News Analysis

Zimbabwe threatens sanctions if voter fraud confirmed in US elections!

Crescent International

Alarmed by reports of widespread rigging and the role of money in the US presidential elections, a spokesman for Zimbabwe’s government announced Harare will be left with no choice but to impose sanctions on the US.

Zimbabweans are concerned with the potential hijacking of the US presidency by Trumpists and are urging the UN to deploy peacekeepers in the troubled country that is on the verge of becoming a failed state.

African youth are demanding their governments act immediately as over 60 million Trumpists might be endangering their African American brothers and sisters.

The African Union has taken a strong position in support of the democratic forces in the US.

The African Union stated that any country that tries to violate the sanctions regime will also face sanctions.

Early today, Zimbabwe’s Foreign Ministry spokesman, Mugabe Odugu advised both Canada and Mexico to stop trade with the US and join Africa’s promotion of democracy in America.

Unconfirmed sources claim that Zimbabwe is threatening to pressure Canada unless it complies and is pushing Ottawa to become more democratic and ditch the monarchy. After all, the Queen sits in London and even has German blood. That's not a good sign.

It is said that Harare told Ottawa that in the 21st century, monarchs have no business in the affairs of states.

Any American trying to circumvent the sanctions regime is warned by Harare that they will face the full force of Zimbabwe's just law.

Meanwhile, chief of the supreme takfiri council in Riyadh announced that they had received an urgent appeal from Donald Trump for help.

The takfiri council held an emergency session and decided to assist their ally, but their decision was blocked by the Saudi Scholars Council as they have qualified state assistance through formal channels as a negative religious innovation (bida).

The Saudi royals have so far not commented on whether they will assist Trump or not, as they can’t take calls now due to hangover after a raunchy Halloween party.

Based on the informal fatwa of Abdul Rahman al-Sudais from 2017, when he declared Trump to be a man of peace, the current crisis in the US will have widespread ramifications beyond its borders.

Meanwhile, Micronesia, a small country in the Pacific Ocean, called on Syria to assist in forming the Free American Army (FAA) and recognize Mike Pompeo as the head of a provisional government until a proper election can be held.

Micronesia revealed that its state of the art DNA lab in Pohnpei, the main island in the archipelago, confirmed that the US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo’s real last name is Pohnpei.

He is originally from Pohnpei. His name has been corrupted to Pompeo because Americans are obsessed with Americanizing everything, explained the head of Micronesia.

This fact makes Micronesia’s geopolitical moves in North America highly suspicious and it is unlikely to establish a coalition of the willing, much less lead one to save the US from descending into total chaos.

The leader of Micronesia announced that the youth of his country would gladly volunteer to perform peacekeeping duties in the US, as they do not think that the US army will be able to resist Micronesia, since the Americans have not really won a war for decades.

As reported by the corporate media, their unconfirmed sources claim that the Syrian President is currently on his way to Harare to consult with African leaders.

Assad is said to have a plan on how to advance democracy in the US.

According to other unconfirmed reports, due to Bashar al-Assad’s bad history with the US, it is highly probable that he would propose an alternative candidate to take over the US presidency.

It seems that the Friends of America Council, made up of China, Russia, AIPAC, Salafis and North Koreans will push the African Union to recognize Kanye West as the US president.

We are closely monitoring the complex situation and due to Washington’s non-interference policies in other parts of the world, we are highly puzzled why everyone wants to interfere in America’s internal affairs.

*Yes, it's satire, hopefully you find it intellectually stimulating.

Sign In


Forgot Password ?


Not a Member? Sign Up