Crescent International
With less than six months in office, the most ignorant American president in decades is steadily dragging the United States of America into the ranks of failed states like Syria, Libya, Sudan and Somalia.
Donald Trump is in good company.
Apparently worried the empire was running out of foreign cities to “stabilize,” Trump decided to bring the franchise home this week—parachuting thousands of National Guard troops into Los Angeles to quell immigration-rights protests in a country founded by genocidal “immigrants.”
As Humvees rumbled through downtown L.A., Elon Musk—America’s wealthiest dopamine notification—was busy rage-tweeting from an undisclosed location (reportedly his ego bunker).
The once-bromantic duo—Trump and Musk—had finally imploded over the president’s “Big Beautiful Bill.”
May be for Trump, who is known for complimenting men for their looks, Elon is not so big and beautiful, after all.
Combined with democratic chaos in the US, along with Trump’s obsession with tariffs, make America great again is likely heading down the same route as democracy in Syria.
Critics say the spectacle of American troops patrolling L.A. streets is the clearest sign yet of imperial blowback.
Americans have for decades exported chaos to other countries.
Now, based on their reaction to tear gas canisters, proudly labeled Made in America - the obese nation cannot run fast enough when chassed by police while inhaling teargas.
At the moment, unconfirmed reports suggest that Israel’s protégé in Damascus, Al-Joulani, phoned Trump with some tips for a political makeover.
According to shadowy sources, Al-Joulani advised the president to win over Californians by launching a new political movement—his suggested name: Al-Gayda.
Reports from the most reliable media outlet in the US right now—Armenian Radio—suggest that Vladimir Putin held an urgent phone call with General Melania Melaniyeva.
According to other unconfirmed yet entirely plausible sources, General Melania has been tasked with convincing Trump that the key leaders of the L.A. Meydan movement are currently in Kiev.
However, sources say she’s struggling to explain that Kiev is in Ukraine.
Trump reportedly refuses to accept this intel, insisting on confirmation from his trusted political mentor, Sayed Muqtada al-Sadr.
Earlier, Trump’s inner circle revealed that he holds Sayed Muqtada al-Sadr in high regard—admiring the scholar’s ability to bog down the overweight US military in Iraq while still in his 30s.
Appalled by the situation inside the country, America’s semi-intellectual class is reportedly brainstorming ways to stabilize the nation—between yoga sessions and podcast recordings.
Alarmed that the US’s political caste holds absolutely nothing sacred (except maybe stock portfolios), insiders claim the only nationally revered figure who might be able to get through to Trump is none other than Chuck Norris.
Sources say Trump genuinely believes Chuck Norris jokes are literal history—insisting the martial arts legend once roundhouse-kicked inflation, body-slammed the deficit, and arm-wrestled the Constitution into existence.
According to LGQTV Network, the Republican Party has officially tapped Norris in a desperate, last-ditch effort to rein in Trump before he tries to annex California via Instagram Live and declare himself the new “Supreme Leader of the Western Hemisphere and Parts of New Jersey.”
*Satire
