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Daily News Analysis

Sunak, a brown man, becomes Britain’s PM. The natives are not amused!

Crescent International

Rishi Sunak has become the first brown prime minister of Britain.

The 42-year-old financial whiz kid was born in Southampton where his migrant father from Kenya was a GP (medical doctor) and his mother a pharmacist.

He succeeds Liz Truss who became prime minister only last month but failed to stabilize the British economy and was forced to resign.

Sunak is a browner version of Bollywood actor Shahrukh Khan.

The Indians are elated and have mentioned his Hindu religion in their media coverage.

His paternal grandfather migrated from Gujranwala in present-day Pakistan to Kenya and his grandmother joined him from Delhi.

Before this bit of history leads to war between India and Pakistan for ownership of Rishi Sunak, he himself takes pride in his Indian roots.

If it is any consolation, the Tory party were thinking of making Pakistan’s iron-man from Lahore, Nawaz Sharif their prime minister.

He has the experience—he was prime minister three times—and with enough dough, many times more than Sunak.

But doctors advised Sharif from accepting the offer.

They told him running two countries simultaneously would become difficult even for the iron-man.

Sunak’s father-in-law in a billionaire and founder of Infosys, an IT company.

He and his wife Akshata Murthy are close to becoming billionaires in their own right.

They are worth some £730 million which is about $840 million (nearly a billion!)

His major challenge is to revive the British economy that is rapidly sinking.

We have had a peep into Mr. Sunak’s economic plans and this is what we found.

Since most people in Britain face food shortages, he has decided to ban the consumption of beef and all other meat products except fish.

What would the British do without fish and chips?

Instead, he plans to open government-subsidized lungars at every street corner where rice and daal one day and roti and daal the other would be served for £1 per plate.

The British are already used to having curry and balti chicken. Curry business brings in more than £8 billion in revenues annually.

Not bad!

That is not all.

Rishi believes that given the very large agricultural sector with millions of cows in Britain, there is massive potential for utilizing this sector effectively to put the economy on track.

Starting immediately, he plans to set up cow urine bottling plants all over Britain.

This will create millions of jobs.

Unemployment would become a thing of the past.

Farmers will be provided huge metal containers at subsidized prices: one for milk and the other for cow urine.

Inspectors appointed to ensure farmers do not mix milk with urine, will spread all over the country.

Imagine the millions of gallons of cow urine going waste when in fact it could become a goldmine.

This is all indigenous production.

People would be encouraged to drink cow urine and discover its health benefits.

One billion Indians cannot be wrong!

He is not done with the agricultural sector, yet.

Since the Russians will not sell gas to Britain or Europe, this is what Rishi has thought of doing.

You have to hand it to this financial whiz kid.

He plans to encourage the farmers to make cakes of cow dung and sell it as fuel to heat up people’s homes.

There are two benefits.

Cow dung cakes heating up homes and the methane gas thus produced can be used to run factories.

It is a win-win situation all around.

Rishi has also thought of other things.

Given the dreary weather and how depressed people are in Britain, he has an upliftment program.

He will order Hari Krishna groups to march through the streets of London and other major cities every morning and evening beating drums and playing jingles and singing, ‘Hare Krishna, Hare Rama’.

As for creating an all-inclusive society in Britain, he will retire Nelson from the Nelson column in Trafalgar Square.

Instead, the Hindu god, Ganesh will sit atop the column from now on!

Throughout Britain, there are also many statues of Queen Victoria.

They will be wrapped in colourful saris and a red mark put on its forehead to comply with Hindu customs.

There also many statues of Churchill, that racist bulldog, all over the country.

These will be dismantled and replaced by statues of Gandhi, whom Churchill called a “naked fakir”.

Gandhi will have the last laugh.

And instead of Christmas, Britons will celebrate Diwali.

It is a lot more colourful and fun.

Under Rishi, Britons will truly achieve nirvana.

In case, some white Brits are confused, nirvana means bliss.

And if they do not like Diwali, they can migrate to Australia, New Zealand, Canada or the US where their ancestors went, without visas, mind you.

So there!

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